


I've been afraid of changing

by puppybusby



Series: 9 days of Christmas [1]
Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Allison misses her mom, Canonical Character Death, Christmas Eve, Established Relationship, F/F, Grief/Mourning, Moving On, Not Canon Compliant
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-13
Updated: 2015-12-13
Packaged: 2018-05-06 13:22:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,621
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5418614
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/puppybusby/pseuds/puppybusby
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Allison finally had roots, here in Beacon Hills and Lydia just wanted to make her feel comfortable, to make this a good Christmas for them both even if the hole where Victoria used to be is still rather raw. Even if Chris is in his study, doing God only knows what. </p><p>Allison deserves a good day, they both do.</p><p>(Or: Allison still misses her mom and Lydia tries to help however she can)</p>
            </blockquote>





	I've been afraid of changing

**Author's Note:**

> I TRIED SO HARD NOT TO WRITE ANGST FOR THE VERY FIRST DAY  
> I failed but hey
> 
> so okay, I hate Victoria but I've also really wanted to write Allison's feelings for her and idk apparently this felt like the right time to try and do that??
> 
> Title from landslide by Fleetwood mac
> 
> Enjoy!

 

Allison was stressed. It was painfully obvious and a little heartbreaking to watch. Lydia could understand it completely though.  
  
It was Christmas Eve, it was their first Christmas together as a couple, Lydia's first Christmas not with her own family but Allison's first since her mother died.  
  
Throw in a new home and a still grieving father and nobody could question why Allison was freaking out so much.

She's in the kitchen right now, moving around quickly, muttering under her breath and looking through the cupboards for... Icing bags?  
  
Lydia isn't sure.

 

They'd found the recipe for the cookies Allison's mother used to bake a few days ago and as soon as she saw the watery look in Allison's eyes she knew that they were going to make them.

“Lydia, I can't find them.” Allison said, her voice bordering on pleading, a tone she only ever seemed to use around Lydia.

Lydia slipped off of her seat at the counter and made her way around into the kitchen, pausing briefly to press her hand to the small of Allison's back and noticing the tension there.  
  
“Where are the ziploc bags?” She asked.  
  
Allison stared at her for a moment before reaching into a draw and producing one. Lydia took it and gestured for Allison to move to make room for her. Allison watched as Lydia filled the bag with icing and sealed it.  
  
“Scissors?”  
  
Allison handed them to her silently and Lydia cut one of the corners and turned back to her girlfriend with a pleased smile.  
  
“There, icing bag.”  
  
Allison's hands were shaking a little when she took the bag from her.

Lydia knows that their experiences of Christmas are so different. For her, it was all huge and extravagant, showered with gifts and praises and as her parents grew apart the gifts grew in size and in quantity, a war between the two people she loves to buy her affections and one up the other.

They were still her Christmases though, they had their own traditions, even if others didn't seem to understand that the only way they showed their love was through how big the bill was.

Since the divorce, Lydia knows her mother has been struggling, it's not easy to adjust an so she had pooled her money together to buy her a spa getaway for Christmas. Her mother didn't like the holiday and once she had been assured that Lydia was in safe hands she'd gone. Lydia didn't mind.  
  
From what Allison has told her, Argent Christmases were an entirely different affair. More nuanced in their approach. They weren't a poor family, far from it. But Allison had grown up with the ideology that she had to earn her gifts, never getting quite as much as she deserved (Lydia was already planning on compensating for this, if the dozen gifts wrapped in silver paper under the tree weren't already a testament for that)

Not only that, but they moved around so much that the places they always spent their holidays in rarely felt like a home, more of a shell that still held the lingering memories from the family that came before.

Allison finally had roots, here in Beacon Hills and Lydia just wanted to make her feel comfortable, to make this a good Christmas for them both even if the hole where Victoria used to be is still rather raw. Even if Chris is in his study, doing God only knows what.  
  
Allison deserves a good day, they both do.

And if that meant trying to recreate her mothers cookie recipe, then so be it.

Except maybe not because as Allison sets the tray down it's obvious even from where Lydia is standing that they're burnt, not terribly, but for Allison- who at the best of the times is a perfectionist- it's a low blow.

Her back is to Lydia but she can see the tension, can see the shaking of her shoulders and knows that she's fighting back tears from the way Allison's head drops a fraction of an inch.

Lydia feels her heart break a little bit.

She moves closer and rests her hand on Allison's shoulder and pretends to ignore the flinch from the older girl.

“We can try again.” Lydia said.  
  
Allison shoved the tray away and made a frustrated sound, some of the cookies fell to the floor and crumbled.

“There's not enough ingredients.” She replied tightly. “God! Why can't I just do something right?!” She pressed her hands to her eyes and let out another sound of frustration.

“Hey.” Lydia reached forward and took Allison's hands in her own, gently lowering them from her face so that she could look Allison in the eye, the tears hadn't quite managed to fall yet but they were definitely there. “Breathe, Alli. It's okay.” She said in the most soothing voice she could manage. She stroked her thumb along the pulse points of Allison's wrists, knowing that it always made Allison feel a little more comfortable.

Allison squeezed her eyes shut, causing some tears to finally fall. Lydia didn't speak, giving the girl the time she needs to gather her thoughts.  
  
“I miss her.” Allison whispered.  
  
“I know.” Lydia replied.  
  
“I just...” Allison opened her eyes and tipped her head back. “It was the _one_ thing that always stayed the same. No matter where we were, every Christmas she would make those cookies and...” She sighed heavily and met Lydia's gaze. “I wanted to feel like she was still here.”  
  
Lydia dropped Allison's hands and stepped in closer, reaching up to gently wipe her thumb under Allison's eyes. Allison sighed again, closing her eyes and leaning into the touch.  
  
“We'll go to the store okay? There's should still be at least one place open. We'll make your cookies.”  
  
Allison shook her head. “No, no. Forget it.” She sniffed and looked at the burnt cookies mournfully. “I can't bake. It'll just hurt more.”  
  
“What do you want to do?” Lydia asked.

Allison glanced away and bit down on her lip, looking unsure of herself.  
  
“Allison, whatever you want. Okay?”  
  
“Can we go for a drive?” Allison asked.

Lydia smiled and reached for her hand again. “Of course.”  


 

  
Lydia has mixed feelings on Beacon Hills cemetery, mostly she just finds it creepy as fuck.  
  
But with Allison's hand tightly holding her own, she feels a little safer.  
  
She's here for Allison anyway.  
  
Allison presses closer to her side, shivering slightly.  
  
“Thank you for coming with me.” She said quietly.  
  
“Anything, Alli.” Lydia replied, turning her head to brush her lips against Allison's jaw. (To be honest, she'd gone for the cheek but... height difference.)  
  
Allison smiled at her, the most genuine smile Lydia's seen in the past hour and the two began to walk.  
  
They came to a stop near Victoria's grave and Lydia gave her hand another squeeze before letting her hand drop. Allison took a deep breath and stepped closer, kneeling in front of the gravestone.  
  
Lydia tucked her hands into her pockets and shifted on the spot, desperate to generate some warmth.

 

“Hey mom.” Allison said quietly. “It's Christmas eve and... I miss you. So much.” She took a shaky breath and Lydia considered moving away, giving Allison some more space but ultimately chose to stay. She trusts that Allison will tell her if she needs privacy.  
  
“I know that things were rough, with... Everything. But, you're still my mom. At the end of it all, I know you love- loved me. You were trying to help me, even if I didn't agree with the way you did that.”  
  
Allison hung her head and brushed her hand across the gravestone.  
  
“Dad is... Well, he's trying. We're trying. We have a new code. Things are going to be different. New.” She took another shaky breath. “I'm dating Lydia now. I know you liked her, she's good to me. I don't know how I got so lucky.” Allison looked over her shoulder and shifted, holding her hand out for Lydia. Lydia didn't hesitate to join Allison's side, even if the ground was freezing. She let Allison wrap a hand around her shoulders and pull her close. “I love her.”  
  
Allison turned to press her lips to Lydia's forehead and they both stayed like that for what felt like several minutes.

When she finally pulled away, she seemed happier. Lighter, somehow.  
  
“We tried to make your cookies. I wanted to feel like you were here but it wouldn't have been the same, would it? Because they're not really your cookies because you didn't make them. I've spent so much time trying to make tomorrow feel like how Christmas used to but... I don't think I want to do that, I think... I think I have to make it my own.” She looked to Lydia. “Our own. Me, Lydia, dad and even the pack. New traditions, you know?”  
  
Lydia smiled, pride and love warming her heart as Allison spoke.  
  
“I love you mom,” Allison said, rising to her feet and pulling Lydia up with her. She let her hand rest on the gravestone. “Merry Christmas.”  
  
“Merry Christmas.” Lydia echoed.  
  
Allison took a deep breath and closed her eyes for a few moments. When she finally opened them she turned back to Lydia. “Do you want to go home?”  
  
“Do you?” Lydia asked.  
  
Allison nodded. “Yeah, yeah I do.”  
  
Lydia smiled. “Okay then.”  
  
“I love you Lydia.”  
  
Lydia rose up onto her tip toes to press her lips to Allison's, short and chaste. “I love you too.”

 

And she knows that if Victoria were here, she would be proud of Allison. Even if Allison herself can't see it, she's grown a lot.

  
Lydia's proud of her.

 


End file.
